Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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