i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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