this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
