Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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