Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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