I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
