By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
