I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
