What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
