Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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