im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize