I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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