No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
