even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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