When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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