She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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