i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize