So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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