It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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