when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
