Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
