Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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