I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
