Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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