I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize