this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
