Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I touched a dick in church today
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
