i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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