Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
