So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
