First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
