i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
