I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
