if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
