You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
