just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
