Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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