If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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