I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize