if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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