I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
