Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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