Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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