Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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