Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize