Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize