For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
