I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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