you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
