last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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