my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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