When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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