Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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