I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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