I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
